So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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