Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
