i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
