The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
