Kareoke will never be a sober sport
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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