i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
