I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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