Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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