Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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