it's not cheating when I paid for it
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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