I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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