i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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