Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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