Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
