cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
