its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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