I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
