what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
