Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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