I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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