I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
