Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize