When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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