one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
