I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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