im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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