No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
