Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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