Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
