Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
