4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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