So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
