i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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