Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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