Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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