I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
