I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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