we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
