After last night, I could never be a politician.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
