shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
