turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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