Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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