just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
