1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
