omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
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