I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize