Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
