I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
