That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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