I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize