I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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