I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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