Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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