she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
