You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
