Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
