I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize