i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
