Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
