If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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