My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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