literally had 100 drinks last night.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
