I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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