so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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