Don't you send me to vm
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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